it feels like summer time
kind of like a dream
i feel like i have a fever
but i don't
but i do
i feel lost and disoriented
like the only thing i should do to be found is take a walk
everyone's gone
the house is silent
i've slept the whole day away
only to wake up to silence
the air is cool
it's march but it's warm
but the sky warns of snow
i danced with you in my dream
i want that to make it better somehow
somehow, can a feverish dream be true
and not all of this
confusion
conversations put off til tomorrow
March 1, 2006
December 22, 2005
how long oh Lord?
The world rushes around in a way I never thought it would.
I complain a lot.
I don't really know what to do with the fact that I complain.
On the one hand, I shouldn't complain. It is good to be content and satisfied with what God has put in front of you.
On the other hand, the world is not as it should be.
And I can feel it. I can feel it in my heavy, confused heart. I can tell it in my tired eyes. I can tell it in my shredded hands. I can tell it in my mother's tears and my brothers' hunger for attention. I can tell it in the silence that is between me and the friends I love the most. I can tell it in the ache that hovers over me from waking through each day I walk through.
It is not a very beautiful ache these days.
I feel defeated by these things Lord. I am tired and confused. Which is ok. I have been tired and confused before. The defeat comes in the question, "Will these things ever leave? Will there be clarity and rest?"
Make me satisfied with you Lord. Show me the abundance you talked about- define it for me so that I can trust you for it. I don't know what I should be waiting for...
I complain a lot.
I don't really know what to do with the fact that I complain.
On the one hand, I shouldn't complain. It is good to be content and satisfied with what God has put in front of you.
On the other hand, the world is not as it should be.
And I can feel it. I can feel it in my heavy, confused heart. I can tell it in my tired eyes. I can tell it in my shredded hands. I can tell it in my mother's tears and my brothers' hunger for attention. I can tell it in the silence that is between me and the friends I love the most. I can tell it in the ache that hovers over me from waking through each day I walk through.
It is not a very beautiful ache these days.
I feel defeated by these things Lord. I am tired and confused. Which is ok. I have been tired and confused before. The defeat comes in the question, "Will these things ever leave? Will there be clarity and rest?"
Make me satisfied with you Lord. Show me the abundance you talked about- define it for me so that I can trust you for it. I don't know what I should be waiting for...
October 6, 2005
sigh
can it really be october?
time is slipping away from me and it makes me sigh,
first because I am happy that time does not drag since I am just surviving and making ends meet right now (as far as dreams and ambitions go)
second because it means that I am getting closer to what I don't know...
The future comes quickly-
a relief because it means something new is close,
scary because I don't know what that new thing is
But I have been convinced- after a round about drive home through dark hauntingly beautiful hills- that being lost is ok.
Moving forward for now is what to do.
Lord meet me in the rolling lostness.
time is slipping away from me and it makes me sigh,
first because I am happy that time does not drag since I am just surviving and making ends meet right now (as far as dreams and ambitions go)
second because it means that I am getting closer to what I don't know...
The future comes quickly-
a relief because it means something new is close,
scary because I don't know what that new thing is
But I have been convinced- after a round about drive home through dark hauntingly beautiful hills- that being lost is ok.
Moving forward for now is what to do.
Lord meet me in the rolling lostness.
July 24, 2005
sweetness
So I found out that my boss at my recent God-given job personally knows my favorite band!!!
What?! Yeah, My boss knows Don and Lori Chaffer who are the cornerstones of Waterdeep. My boss and his wife even met because they were both involved in Waterdeep stuff. The gave me bootleg tonight!! I was so excited you would have thought it was moonshine.
bootleg
moonshine
hill billies
anyway, I am SO happy- I have mostly unheard Waterdeep music!
What?! Yeah, My boss knows Don and Lori Chaffer who are the cornerstones of Waterdeep. My boss and his wife even met because they were both involved in Waterdeep stuff. The gave me bootleg tonight!! I was so excited you would have thought it was moonshine.
bootleg
moonshine
hill billies
anyway, I am SO happy- I have mostly unheard Waterdeep music!
July 19, 2005
the rest of the story
Ok, so, back to the scene in the film.
Rhia has been holding in her pain and anger and disgust over this uncle who molested her when she was a child. She finally breaks and tells her family. Her other uncle, who is like her father because her father died, is heartbroken because he loves this brother in law very much, but he also loves Rhia like his own child.
For a while he convinces Rhia to just bear it and get through the wedding but in this scene, he breaks.
He can't handle anymore what this man has done to her and he refuses to allow his presence. With inside-twisting emotion he tells him to leave, destroying the connection between families. He goes over to Rhia and kisses her on the forehead. She is thunderstruck and her eyes well up with tears.
And so do mine.
I wish I had someone like that to protect me when I get hurt. Someone to make things right in the end.
And my insides start to twist and expand until I can't hardly breathe. The pain rises and falls. But I don't release it until it goes away on its own. Until my tears dry on my face instead of being wiped away. I sit blurry eyed and lonely.
I miss my dad.
So, you see, this is what might happen when you are caught off guard. But it is good to be caught sometimes not guarding. It shows that you are human.
Rhia has been holding in her pain and anger and disgust over this uncle who molested her when she was a child. She finally breaks and tells her family. Her other uncle, who is like her father because her father died, is heartbroken because he loves this brother in law very much, but he also loves Rhia like his own child.
For a while he convinces Rhia to just bear it and get through the wedding but in this scene, he breaks.
He can't handle anymore what this man has done to her and he refuses to allow his presence. With inside-twisting emotion he tells him to leave, destroying the connection between families. He goes over to Rhia and kisses her on the forehead. She is thunderstruck and her eyes well up with tears.
And so do mine.
I wish I had someone like that to protect me when I get hurt. Someone to make things right in the end.
And my insides start to twist and expand until I can't hardly breathe. The pain rises and falls. But I don't release it until it goes away on its own. Until my tears dry on my face instead of being wiped away. I sit blurry eyed and lonely.
I miss my dad.
So, you see, this is what might happen when you are caught off guard. But it is good to be caught sometimes not guarding. It shows that you are human.
off guard
Being caught off guard
You know sometimes when you've either finally gotten comfortable or finally decided to deal with things the way they are and then you get caught off guard? That's an interesting way to describe it- caught off guard- like you're guarding your heart from things that might give it pain.
I was caught off guard last night watching Monsoon Wedding. I was half watching, half cutting magazine pictures and pasting them together and didn't expect anything but to enjoy myself.
There's a scene in the movie where the father interrupts a man who hurt his neice.
Rhia has been holding in her pain and anger and disgust over this uncle who molested her when she was a child. She finally breaks and tells her family. Her other uncle, who is like her father because her father died, is heartbroken because he loves this brother in law very much, but he also loves Rhia like his own child. For a while he convinces Rhia to just bear it and get through the wedding but in this scene, he breaks. He can't handle anymore what this man has done to her and he refuses to allow his presence. With inside-twisting emotion he tells him to leave, destroying the connection between families. He goes over to Rhia and kisses her on the forehead. She is thunderstruck and her eyes well up with tears.
And so do mine.
I wish I had someone like that to protect me when I get hurt. Someone to make things right in the end.
And my insides start to twist and expand until I can't hardly breathe. The pain rises and falls. But I don't release it until it goes away on its own. Until my tears dry on my face instead of being wiped away. I sit blurry eyed and lonely. I miss my dad.So, you see, this is what might happen when you are caught off guard. But it is good to be caught sometimes not guarding. It shows that you are human.
You know sometimes when you've either finally gotten comfortable or finally decided to deal with things the way they are and then you get caught off guard? That's an interesting way to describe it- caught off guard- like you're guarding your heart from things that might give it pain.
I was caught off guard last night watching Monsoon Wedding. I was half watching, half cutting magazine pictures and pasting them together and didn't expect anything but to enjoy myself.
There's a scene in the movie where the father interrupts a man who hurt his neice.
Rhia has been holding in her pain and anger and disgust over this uncle who molested her when she was a child. She finally breaks and tells her family. Her other uncle, who is like her father because her father died, is heartbroken because he loves this brother in law very much, but he also loves Rhia like his own child. For a while he convinces Rhia to just bear it and get through the wedding but in this scene, he breaks. He can't handle anymore what this man has done to her and he refuses to allow his presence. With inside-twisting emotion he tells him to leave, destroying the connection between families. He goes over to Rhia and kisses her on the forehead. She is thunderstruck and her eyes well up with tears.
And so do mine.
I wish I had someone like that to protect me when I get hurt. Someone to make things right in the end.
And my insides start to twist and expand until I can't hardly breathe. The pain rises and falls. But I don't release it until it goes away on its own. Until my tears dry on my face instead of being wiped away. I sit blurry eyed and lonely. I miss my dad.So, you see, this is what might happen when you are caught off guard. But it is good to be caught sometimes not guarding. It shows that you are human.
July 13, 2005
the sun
Youaremysunshinemyonlysunshineyoumakemehappywhenskiesaregrey
you'llneverknowdearhowmuchiloveyou
ohpleasedon'ttakemysunshineaway
thanks for visitingme Clairebear!
October 24, 2004
Hello... hello...?
Is anybody out there?
a Trebuchet is something my friends built to shoot tomatoes over (and onto) their house
it's also the name of this font...
ok...peeth out!
a Trebuchet is something my friends built to shoot tomatoes over (and onto) their house
it's also the name of this font...
ok...peeth out!
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