Silence has been killing me lately. I talk as much as I ever do, but honestly it's mostly fluff. When people ask me how Amsterdam was I say, "It was good" and I am really satisfied with giving that answer at the moment.
I think the problem is that I don't want to talk. I want to be listened to, but I don't feel like talking (haha, good luck friends!).
I am so unfinished, I realized today. I don't want to talk until I have everything fitted into neat and interesting categories, til I have that one "knock-em-dead" story, til I have slimmed down my overzealous new-digital-camera-owner collection of pictures into one that will fit on one cd, or into one 5 minute presentation.
How to sum up Amsterdam... it just can't be done. When I am asked, it seems like every distinct story, every interesting person, everything I learned just turns into one giant eight month blur. Umm, it was good. And bad. And...
Forgive me for my silence. I am afraid I will explode on you if I start talking. I guess I think it would be better to explode on my own than in public. But man, it's lonely in here.
December 13, 2007
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5 comments:
Yes, friend, that is a lonely place indeed. Your heart is processing a thousand things that are a thousand miles away from the understanding of those around you. No need to apologize for the silence, and know that I'll be anxious to listen when the day finally comes that you feel ready to breath deep and talk.
That is pretty much just how I feel right now. I'm still trying to figure out what went on the last few months and what happened to me.
It's so hard to focus on right now and the amazingly hard task of finding a job and trying out this whole living on my own thing.
I need a road trip and I kind of need it to be summer soon.
"Lonely in here" describes that feeling so well. I know those moments somewhat...and then not so much too...but I so admire and respect your silence. Because, if it was me, I would be too quick to reduce my experience to words. Process on, my friend. And know that you have friends willing both to be "exploded" on and willing to accept the silence. I pray though that the loneliness stills.
Hi Anna,
Thinking of you and praying. Love ya!
Woops, forgot my name on that. Sorry.
Love, Aimee
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