My dream

I was in a huge building with hundreds of people- we were getting ready for a race (if you know me, you'll know that that is kind of out of the ordinary- not a flashback dream most definitely).
There were lots of friends there with me- friends and acquaintances from college, my sisters, friends from Colorado. We were having a great time chatting and catching up, all in our street clothes with our running gear set aside somewhere else.
All of a sudden this woman who seemed to be in charge of the race, called my name as she read it off of her clipboard. I thought she might be organizing all of us into running groups or lines, so I came forward, not thinking anything of it. She didn't call anymore names after mine, and she told me to follow her. Confused, I followed her down the hall, asking if I would get a chance to change into my running stuff (I had these funny bowling shoes on too). She said no and we stood there alone in the dark, empty hallway. I asked her anxiously if I would still get to race at all. She looked at her watch and then opened a door that led to the outside- the race had already started. I had missed it. She said I could go, but I was heartbroken (too strong a word??). I couldn't run with my friends and probably wouldn't even finish the race on time. Why even run the race at all? I was so discouraged as I watched people run down the street.
Somehow I decided to run anyway. As I walked outside (now in my running clothes,hmm...), the goal of the race seemed to have changed. Everyone had long skinny flags and were playing some kind of game of tag before they continued to run. I was up in a tree (?) and watching the whole thing, flag in hand, but not playing. The runners disappeared quickly after that and I was left to run alone.
I made up my mind to finish the race. The city we were running in felt like San Fransisco with the hills! The end of my dream was me running up this hill that was suddenly so steep that I had to climb up it- setting my feet over the top of this small overhang and pulling up- a slow climb instead of a run.

God has been speaking to me in dreams a lot recently. Some dreams are just ridiculous and I'm living in a trailer park in China and shopping at Walmart. Some dreams are heavy and they sit in my mind and make me say "There must be something to this."
When I sat to write this dream out, I almost started crying because I realized what it was. A passage of scripture God recently brought to me is Isaiah 51:1-3. I think these are life verses for me. The first two verses are this:
"Listen to me, all you who seek righteousness, who seek the Lord.
Look to the quarry from which you were dug, the rock from which you were cut.
Look to Abraham your father and to Sarah who gave birth to you in pain.
When he was but one I called him, then I blessed him and multiplied him."

When I graduated from college, all I wanted to do was to stay in California with my friends. I wanted to stay and pray each other out to the mission field, to live in community, to be bohemian and artsy and to live in the inner city. But God said to me three times, "Go home."
And here I am. I have realized that I HATE doing things by myself. I can read by myself, run by myself, and shop by myself, but when it comes to doing anything significant and adventurous, I am paralyzed without a companion. And here I am, so very alone in so many of my dreams for the future and my desires.

But my name has been called. I am not in a running group, I am alone. Many of my friends are together, praying together about going overseas together. I think it's so beautiful and yet, I am not called to be WITH. I'm having to make decisions and trust God that I can move forward on my own. And that's what's so beautiful about the passage from Isaiah. God called Abraham "when he was but one" and then He brought others into the picture. The other amazing part of that is that Sarah, in having the son who was the fulfillment of all these promises of God, "gave birth in pain." God is faithful to His promises to us, but that doesn't mean that things aren't hard- like running up a hill you have to slow down and climb!

God you amaze me. You speak to me so clearly and then you sing to me in my sleep- pictures of things I'll never forget that just repeat your goodness and your meaning for my life. Please tell me what you want for me and then sing it to me slow.