Heaviness

My legs are unshaven and my eyes are droopy. Valentin stares at me, lips together, his biting comments hanging in the air already. Amahd looks at me with sad eyes, "I hope there's something true," he says. He doesn't sound very hopeful. The Bible sits open to John 11 on my lap- Lazarus. Ron asks in his broken English about how Lazarus could have walked out of the tomb if he is wrapped in cloth. He shakes his head in decision about how the Bible doesn't make sense. All three cleaners look at me, waiting for me to explain this open book as though my next words will either change everything or confirm what they all already think.
A half an hour before this I am sitting in the office with my manager Linea. The "how are yous?" are exchanged and I tell her that I am at the end of my strength- about how all the people who trained me are gone, about how going home doesn't feel like going home anymore because of fifteen new faces and neverending get-to-know-you conversations. I tell her that I just feel burned out, and that it took every prayer I could muster to come to work this morning.
I sigh and return another how are you? I can tell her "ok" back is not true. "My friend died last night," she replies. NO. I swallow hard. How can I compare my hardship to this? And yet here we are, both at work. If we don't do this day, no one will do it. We pray together and take a deep breath and get to work- she counts the money and deals with angry guests, it is my first day as cleaner supervisor on my own.
And I cry out with 3 pairs of unbelieving eyes staring at me, "Lord! Help me, I am inadequate for these things!" I just barely make it through this day. "Keep going" are words He clearly spoke to me the last time I sat for an hour on my own. And here I am, but my question is "How long Oh Lord?"
And to still see His hand: to walk in the pouring rain with 2 good friends, and to play soccer with Bulgarian students and to talk 2 hours with Ron about the Bible and the Quran, to talk to a new friend who dreams in Tibetan; this is what helps me push on.
Yeah, mom, you were right: the honeymoon is over. Now is the hard work and I know it's good; how do I keep going for it? God uses me in this weakness, but what is exhaustion in a vocabulary of grace? It's a circus at home and a cave at work- Jesus, do some damage here.