To be a year older

So I am 24 now.
Oh man, I am sorry for writing such depressing (but true) stuff on the eighth without recognizing the amazing days I had around my birthday on the third.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you who wrote me on my birthday- I have never felt so surrounded from far away! I haven't gotten a chance to write any of you back and tell you thank you, but know that my heart was full.
I have had such a hard time to sit and write email these last days... my cross-the-ocean friendships have fallen into the background, and I'm sorry.

If I read the last blog I wrote, I have to be honest and say that life is still hard for me- really hard at times. This lifestyle is wearing me down. I went away for 2 incredible days last week and got to relax and be part of a family- it was so beautiful. Yeah, it was so beautiful, but... I think I expected to get over some kind of mountain of exhaustion and be ready to run down the other side. Instead I got back on the train to Amsterdam with the same heaviness, realizing that maybe the thing is not to get over the mountain, but somehow to adjust my pack. I don't know how to do that at the moment. There have been more cool moments in the past week than before, but I'm still having a really hard time. I wish I could say that everything's better, but it's not.

And I think the hardest thing lately is just struggling to hear God's voice, have God's wisdom, and see all this from God's perspective. But one thing I'm learning is that lack of simple confirmations, lack of small miracles throughout the day, and not really being sure of God's voice is not the end of the world, or the end of my faith. God is still Himself. I wish He was more visibly Himself, but I think there is something important in these hard times. Is this growth? Is this faith going deeper? I don't like this. If that's true it kind of makes me want the old, simple way back. I don't know.

It's frustrating to have more questions than answers:
Will these always be things I struggle with?
Will I always see the world from the melancholy side?
Why is the Bible true?
What does ministry mean? What does it look like?
How do we grow up in our faith? What does it mean that we are still supposed to see God as Father and to have childlike faith?
How can you tell how important things are? ("Meaningless, meaningless everything is meaningless" is not nearly as maddening as "Meaningful, meaningful, everything is meaningful.")
Will that wisdom come? Please?

Thank you friends for reading this, for having grace, and for praying for me. It's so huge to me.